The Questionable Goombas

1. The Questionable Goombas

Mario, hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, sighed with utmost relief as he leapt off the boat at Rogueport Docks, glad to finally be out of the way of the Captain's constant moaning and whining about petty things such as the weather, the state of his boat, etc.

Armed with his trusty hammer, Mario wandered away from the boat and was thinking about what Princess Peach had given him earlier; a tatty, old, weathered map. He had been expecting something a bit more promising but this looked only half-completed and what use was a treasure map when it didn't have a path to X marks the spot? Mario decided that when he finally met with her, he would ask for something that he really wanted; and it wasn't going to be another damn cake either.

There was a screech from the other end of the docks near to the stairs that Mario would have taken to get into the town itself. He noticed a bunch of weirdos who looked like they had come from outer space congregating around what appeared to be a single, pretty-looking Goomba. She was muttering something about a treasure map and they were pressing her for more information about it and if she didn't comply, they would take 'the firebrand back to their fortress'.

As a hero, Mario was surely expected to do something about this commotion. But the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom didn't actually get round to doing anything despite having much more health and Flower Points than was legally possible. He passed a grizzled Bob-omb sailor who nudged him and muttered: "Aye, best not let yourself get mixed up with that lot, eh?" Mario nodded and simply strolled upwards as if he hadn't a care in the world until he reached the stony wall at the end of the docks. Normally, he wouldn't have been able to jump that high in a million years; that business was best left to his brother. However, he jumped up as if floating to a small ledge and then up onto the higher ground even though he didn't actually possess Ultra Boots! Who knew? A dim bandit assumed that he must have taken some drugs to get that high.

Leaving the problem that was definitely not his behind, Mario walked into for what is lacking in a better phrase, the town centre. He expected to see Peach standing there like a radiant goddess so pleased with his arrival or whatever or even Toadsworth striding over to him ranting about his lateness which Mario had no control over or even to tell him that the Princess had been kidnapped yet again. It wasn't exactly unusual; it was almost like a hobby. However, he saw neither of them there which in the case of Toadsworth, was an advantage. How queer.

Mario decided to explore a little as he waited for the not-really-shocking-news and headed eastwards where he came across a rather interesting pipe whose access was blocked by a gate. Mario considered what he would need to do in order to get to the pipe even though he really could have just burned it down with a fireball and nobody would have batted an eye. Probably.

"Hey, you there!" cried a guard holding a very sharp-looking spear. "This here turf belongs to the Robbos and there ain't nobody getting past unless I gets paid, see? Ten coins to pass, you know."

Normally, Mario could have just stomped this figure to the ground simply due to his impertinence but Mario didn't mind paying this time. He gave the happy guard ten shining coins out of his 999 coins and when he walked past the gate; he still had 999 coins in his pockets funnily enough.

With another floating jump, Mario vaulted over the wall and landed on top of the pipe. Feeling rather pleased with himself, as if he had cheated some great gaming god out of the story he liked to weave, Mario entered the pipe.

He then found himself underneath Rogueport, presumably in some kind of ruins. He turned around and saw an ancient, bespectacled Goomba staring back at him who shrugged and said, "Don't look at me like that, sonny. I don't know how the hell I ended up down here."

"Why are you following me?"

The Goomba, who introduced himself as Professor Frankly simply looked at the map in Mario's hand. "I was also expecting to see a student of mine with you; she was supposed to meet you as Merluvee said so in her fortune-telling. Have you seen her by any chance?"

Mario thought back to the strange marauders interrogating a young Goomba girl over Crystal Stars and other such nonsense. "Nope," he replied.

They had only got a few paces when a voice suddenly called out to them: "Hey! Hey, man! What's up? Who's the hottie you got there with you?" Professor Frankly looked at Mario and said, "Is he talking about me?" Mario just raised an eyebrow.

Another Goomba, a Spiky Goomba and a Paragoomba greeted them with laughter, sauntering about as if they owned the place. "Wassup, baby?" cried the Paragoomba. "Why don't you hang with us for a while? We play real nice!"

As this comment was directed not to Mario but to his companion, Professor Frankly, the old Goomba was quite frankly, worried. "What in the blazes?" he muttered. "They are clearly addled!"

"Man, what's a FINE-lookin' Goomba doin' with a tubby moustache man like that?" Mario was deeply insulted, especially as he had been on a diet recently. What he wanted to say was: "Oh my god, you are completely gay which under the given circumstances might not be a bad thing but this guy here clearly isn't and in any case, he's far too old for you. Bloody hell, do you need glasses?" what actually came out of his mouth was: "No messages. [English.]" He stared blankly into the distance. What the f-?

"Ouch! That was cold!" said the Paragoomba, clearly stung. "What, you're too good for us? Come off it, sister!"

"Nobody zings us like that!" snapped the Spiky Goomba. "Nobody! Let's get 'em!"

"I didn't even say anything…" muttered Professor Frankly as Mario stood there completely stunned before the Goombas launched themselves at the pair.


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Back at the fortress, Goombella sighed; she was so sure that somebody would have rescued her. It just showed what a terrible dive Rogueport was. Well, she decided. If I'm going to be staying here for some time, I may as well be comfortable.

"Hey, guys!" she called out to the two X-Naut Guards. "How about we have a nice chat together? You know, get to know each other a bit more intimately."

The X-Nauts screamed and ran out of the room with Goombella shouting after them: "I meant as friends! Jeez, what did you think I meant?"